Last night my sweet 9 year old son had a minor fit because he lost at Wii Mario Karts to his DAD! Oh the sadness, the injustice of it all. While his father revelled in his win, Max promptly threw the controller and stormed to his room - with a door slam, as the cherry on top of his pissed off sundae!
My immediate response was to remind my husband that Max had probably spent too much time on the Wii that evening and that we needed to set better guidelines on his "game time." To which my, ever -so -calm, husband replied (along with a few other remarks), "his reaction is his responsibility not mine."
It is really true isn't it? As parents, we walk a fine line between setting boundaries that enable our kids to make good decisions, and creating the space for our kids to make decisions on their own, sometimes bad decisions.
What is more important? The boundaries or the space? I would still argue that both are important, but that space is really crucial to helping kids learn how to screw up. Let's face it, we aren't ever going to teach our kids NOT TO SCREW UP - the hope is that we will teach them how to screw up and then deal with the consequences in an effective (and responsible) way.
My insistence that it was OUR fault, as parents, for not setting boundaries was both unfair to us and unfair to our son. Later when we went in to talk to him about his reaction this became all too clear. He had obviously heard some of our earlier conversation (through the slammed door, no doubt!) about setting better boundaries, because he said "It is dad's fault for letting me play so long." NICE. With one sentence I had both implicated my husband and exonerated my son.
The result was an irritated spouse and a gloating child. Not a pretty combination.
I did my best to repair the damage by letting Max know that is was IN NO WAY DAD'S FAULT that he chose to have a tantrum over losing. I repeated it multiple times. Maybe he heard me, maybe not. You can bet that the next time he has a fit he will pull out the "it's your fault..." card. We will deal with it. You know how? By creating some boundaries, yes, but more importantly, by continuing to give him LOTS of SPACE to screw up. Again and again. Over and over. Right here, in his house. Over Wii, over dinner, over homework. And each time we will remind him of his responsibility in it. We will remind him his reaction is his choice. We will do it here, where he is safe and can screw up and learn how to deal with it, so that when he screws up in a not-so-friendly environment he has some skills on how to do it. He will have experience on how to take responsibility and how to respond appropriately. Then, hopefully when his college professor gives him a C- on a paper he will see his role in the C-, rather than blaming the incompetent instructor.
So give 'em boundaries, but also give them lots of SPACE to @#$% Up!
I am eternally grateful for all the SPACE I have to screw up as a parent...
"Too often we give children answers to remember rather than problems to resolve..."
Roger Lewin (U.S. Anthropologist 1918-)
xoHannah
